CryBaby Comic issue #1 Oct. 2012
OUT ON BAIL
..exiting the jail...running into a solid wall of fans, media and gawkers...Lectric on one side...mouthpiece Sully on the other...squinting into the sunshine...reporters with their damn prick-looking mics shoving in my face...the big black eyes of the cameras... zeroing in...fuck it, adjusting my crotch as the bodyguards wade through the crowd...clearing the way like sharks through minnons...questions here...questions there...Sully no-commenting his ass off...I'm too sleepy, too hungry...to sober for this scene...just wanna get to the limo and be gone...then one of the shitty newshounds shouts out...Spectre, were you trying to kill those people?...I stop...speaking into the microphone...'What's the big fuckin deal, ain't nobody dead.'
...that gets a laugh from the CryBaby fans...Sully trying to get me moving again...'Naw, naw, wait...these people came down here today to get a good fucking look at the bad man...let em look...You wanna know did I try to kill those assholes, the answer is no, the proof is that each and everyone of those crackhead buttcrusts are alive...and only two of them got shot anyway...I don't know what kinda story the cops are putting out...but, I'm gonna tell ya, in my own fucking words what happened...me and my man Lectric pull into Fat Burger for some substenance...we order....sitting there waiting for the burnt cowmeat and deep-fried spuds when all of a sudden the ride is slammed by a car behind us...their horn is honking, the assholes are shoutin for us to hurry up, get the fuck outta the way and all that shit...Larry's ignoring the loudmouth bitches...but, what I'm hearing is disrespect...so, yeah...I get outta the fucking vehicle and circle around to see what these humps problem is, yo...
'So...I go back there and its a car of assholes...three dudes and some chicken-neck ho, laughing..sayin all kinds of wild shit...obviously high...remember that...those muthafuckas were on crack...med-report says so...so don't believe the hype that these were some innocent little lambs that lost their way and came up on big bad wolf Spectre...so...I'm asking what the fucking problem is...now, remember, Larry's not even involved...I mean he steps outta the ride to cover my six but he's up by the driver door...way outta the line of fire...so he shouldn't have been arrested in the first muthrfucking place...but...I digress...any fucking way...the door opens and this swag jumps outta the back...big gorilla looking bitch...he takes a swing...as his two buddies and the crack ho start getting out too...that's four to one, yo...do the math, bitch...I'm surrounded...the ho grabs my hood...just in reaction I elbow back, just trying to get away...I hit her in the face...she falls back in the car...by this time, the Frankenstien from the back is all over me...so I pull the biscuit...just to scare him off...even flipped it to use as a club...pistol-whipping in self-defense...by this time the other two are closing in...so, yeah...I admit...I aim and squeeze...I defy any swinging dick in the same sit'ation not to do the same...aiming to scare...worst-case to injure...just like on Kung-Fu...wound before kill, Grasshopper...I'm panicking, yeah...I admit it...so I'm shooting up the car...then I dash while the fucking dashing is good...hop back in the Caddie...Larry gets back in...we get the order and pay for it, cause we ain't crooks and peel out...in case the crackheads got a crew or somethin...then we pull over to the curb and wait for the cops to come and find us...swear to gawd.
'Ask the fucking cops if we weren't waiting...hands up...not resisting arrest...still, got a boot in my back and one of the fuckas punched me while I was cuffed...now, look...I been up all night and all today so I'm kinda punch drunk so, I'm gonna keep this short...Larry and me are out on bail...20 fucking million dollar between the two of us...20 mill for self-defense and all Larry did was put some distance between us and the prepetrators...I say I had a right to self-defense...and, I'll tell you something else...I'm gonna pay for the assailant's medical bills, cause that's how I roll...self-defense...keep that in mind when you hear second-hand stories from people who was nowhere near the action...all I wanna know is where was the cops when I needed their help?...alright, yo...I gotta bounce, get some Wheaties in my stomach before I pass out...Peace!’
...Security clearing the way to the limo...me, Larry, Sully pile into the back and first thing I reach for the bar and pour a vodka...drinking down the glass...refilling it and leaning back into the seat...'Shit. See what happens when you stop at drive-in?...Junk food no damn good for ya.'...Larry laughs...and turns to the smoked glass window to watch the city go by...
Sully frowns...'Funny, Slim...real funny...you and your hijinks ruining my weekend...'
'Are you serious, muthafucka, we're the ones who spend the night in fucking jail. So, give me the good word...what's the DA say?'
'...Right now, you're looking at four attempted homicides, unlawful possession of a firearm, discharging a firearm within the city limits, reckless endangerment with a firearm, felonious assault and fleeing the scene...'
'Uh huh...and what do the assholes really want?'...
'They're willing to settle for Larry conspiring to avoid arrest...for you, they want aggrevatied attempted manslaughter, the gun beef, and flee to avoid arrest....10 to 20, willing to drop it to 3-5...you'll be out in 18 months...'
'They can suck my white dick.'...I down the second vodka...open the concealed compartment below the bar and pull out a snuffbox...opening it...snorting directly from it...'Geezus Pleezus!...Goddamn, I needed that.'...wiping my nostrils...licking the poweder off...pinching my nose...shaking my head...feeling myself for the first time since the arrest...'So, here's how it goes...pay em whatever fat they want, I don't care how much. Pick up the hospital bills of that bunch of weak-ass swags and their skank...All charges dropped ‘gainst, Lectric. I'm willing to do two years probation, community service...limited to some PSA spots...and an anti-drug video. Just get it settled Sully. I got some plans coming up and I don't need this small shit on my mind.'
'...Plans?...what plans, Slim...wait, yahno what...I don't wanna know...alright, I’ll get on your honey-do list...you...you and Larry just do me a fucking favor and stay outta trouble for, like, the next hundred years...'.
'Whudchu talkin bout, man...those muthafuckas started it...honking the fucking horn of their piece of shit and talkin loud...disrespectin.'
'...Uh huh, well, now you got it outta your system...just fly under the radar for awhile is all I'm saying...I'm a fucking legal magician, but there’re only so many rabbits even I can pull outta my hat...'